Day 36: Clarity
#Evolving40 Day 36: Clarity
One of my biggest traumas was losing my intuition in the great grinding gears of the school achievement factory. In my earlier years, I’d spend many blissful hours reading, writing stories, making art, and playing music. But as school became more challenging and competitive, I spent more time studying for multiple choice tests than I did expressing myself through the arts. I grew so dependent on following other people’s instructions and advancing from one pre-programmed stepping stone to the next that I graduated from college not knowing what I wanted anymore.
It still hurts that I lost my sense of clarity during that time, and that I’ve had to spend the years since trying to find it again. It’s been a lot of work to recalibrate my inner compass, and to learn to trust it.
Through therapy and medication, and lots of reading and writing and meditation, I feel like I’m finally getting clear on how to live a life in alignment with my values. That means the way I spend my time both at work and play, what I say yes to, what I spend money on, and whom I choose to have in my life.
One of my mentors would often say, when talking through an idea or a strategy, “I’m real clear on that.” I so admired that conviction, her ability to filter through all the inputs and zero on what her instincts were telling her. Darren also has this skill, with full confidence in his intuition. With practice, my own is getting better.
Writing The Evolving 40 has helped me get clear on how aligned I am with my core values, and what I'm still working on. This is by no means a comprehensive list, but these are 10 things I'm real clear on these days. I share them, as always, in the hopes that you'll recognize yourself somewhere in here:
1) The arts light up my soul, and I don’t feel like myself if I don’t make time for them in some form every day.
2) Whatever else I do in a day, I’m committed to saving the best of myself for my family. If I don’t reserve some energy, I’ll give it away to everyone else and have only the dregs left for the ones I love most.
3) Strong relationships are the key to happiness. Research supports my experience here. Even though I’m a homebody and an introvert, I would feel lonely without my regular text threads with my girlfriends and family, and joking around with Darren and the kids every day.
4) The only material things that matter to me (besides the sentimental keepsakes) are those that give my family an optimal day-to-day experience: more comfortable, more joyful, more fulfilling. I’ve learned to pay a little more for the things that I’ll really use and enjoy.
5) It’s important for me to recognize what I’ve contributed to the world so far, in big ways and small ways, and how many positive ripple effects those contributions could have created.
6) That said, my worth does not depend on what I do or don’t do. It is inherent and cannot be taken away.
7) F--- shaming and shoulding. I’m done with them. Women in particular suffer so much every day under the weight of “should”s, mostly internalized from a culture that expects us to do it all, in full makeup, while apologizing for not doing more. Body shaming, mom shaming (for 100 different reasons), slut shaming, and the rest are not at all okay, and I will not stand for any of it.
8 ) Who cares what anyone else is doing if it’s not harming anyone? It’s amazing how much time we can waste on comparisons and judgments.
9) Hurt people hurt people, and they generally need my compassion instead of judgment. Having strong boundaries and not letting their behavior affect me lets me feel that compassion. (I’m still working on this one when triggered!)
10) Even though I’ve evolved in kindness and compassion, reserving a bit of pettiness and immaturity for a select few people is a pressure release valve that I’m okay with. We’re only human, after all.
* How I’ve evolved: The older I get, the fewer f---s I have to give about what people outside my chosen circles think of me. (I haven't cracked my swearing problem, though. )
* How I’m evolving: Learning not to snap at Darren and the kids when I’m cranky. It’s not fair to treat my closest loved ones the most carelessly just because they're my safe people.
Links:
- "How to Be Fine: What We Learned from Living by the Rules of 50 Self-Help Books"
by Kristen Meinzer & Jolenta Greenberg (lots of good stuff about rejecting cultural BS about women): https://www.harpercollins.com/products/how-to-be-fine-jolenta-greenbergkristen-meinzer
- Brené Brown on 60 Minutes, The secret to having compassion: https://youtu.be/rCvhOqThYJ4
- 10 Keys to Happier Living: Connecting with People, Action for Happiness: https://www.actionforhappiness.org/10-keys-to-happier-living/connect-with-people/details
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You’re welcome to join me anytime for The Evolving 40. On the daily theme, think: “How have I evolved? How am I evolving?”
Post in the comments below or on your own social with the hashtag #evolving40. Whatever comes up is what’s meant to be.
