Day 37: Success
#Evolving40 Day 37: Success
This afternoon, Darren and I attended a virtual awards show for communications professionals. One of the biggest honors was the Professional Achievement Award, which typically goes to someone with many decades of experience. This time, the winner was younger than I am, and her introduction was a list of previous accolades and leadership roles.
A few years ago, I would have felt triggered by this, thinking, “What have I done with my life that I’m not winning these kinds of awards? Did I peak in high school?”
I surprised myself today by not having these thoughts. I didn’t feel ashamed or self-critical. I only noticed, with curiosity, that I wasn't reacting.
You know you’ve evolved, that therapy or other healing practices are working, when you find yourself in a familiar situation but respond differently than you used to. That was the case for me today, and I think it’s a sign that I’ve finally been able to define success for myself.
When Darren and I started dating in 2008, I was living in the Bay Area and conditioned by Silicon Valley markers of success: A degree from a top-flight university and at least one advanced degree. Material wealth. An executive job. Accolades and name recognition.
Darren, on the other hand, had seen the movie “Office Space” during his freshman year of college and decided then that corporate life was not for him. The movie inspired him to become a creative entrepreneur who could spend his time the way he wanted to. As a small business owner now, he works hard and has a lot of responsibilities to manage, but it’s all by his design. He enjoys his work and has succeeded in generally spending his days the way he chooses.
It’s taken a cross-country move (“repotting” myself, as the book “Late Bloomers” calls it) and years of Darren’s healthy influence for me to shed the burden of societal pressure to achieve, to stop comparing myself and feeling inferior when someone has letters after their name that I don’t. But I think it's finally happened. As of right now, here’s my personal definition of success:
- Aligning my thoughts, feelings, and actions; living authentically and wholeheartedly without self-consciousness or apology
- Earning a living from meaningful creative work; having the means to invest in what makes me happy, without worry
- Holding strong boundaries. Being able to say no firmly but politely; not taking responsibility for what’s not mine to carry, like other people’s happiness or approval
- Being the best version of myself: compassionate, fully expressed, and able to make my highest contribution to the world
- Spending my time the way I want to and prioritizing what matters to my family and me
- Believing that everything is figureoutable, and handling whatever comes my way
- Knowing my worth and treating myself as someone I love
Notably absent from that list is any kind of external award or validation that I’ve “made it.” It looks like I probably won’t be making any 40 Under 40 lists in the next week, but I don’t think I’ll be put out to pasture quite yet.
No shade to those who have made these lists or have a list of honors and achievements. I’m speaking only for myself here, and my definition of success will likely evolve as I do. I'm still working toward some of these habits, and many are ongoing practices.
For me, it’s major progress to be able to step off the path to traditional success, figure out my own destination, and have the courage of my convictions that I alone get to decide whether I’m successful in life.
* How I’ve evolved: Realizing that other people’s achievements don't reflect on me in any way, and the only person I need to impress is myself.
* How I’m evolving: Knowing that there’s plenty of success to go around, and if someone is thriving in the way I want to, there’s still enough room for me.
Links:
- "We all need to define 'success' for ourselves," Tiny Buddha: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/define-success-for-ourselves
- "Late Bloomers" interview with Rich Karlgaard, NPR: https://www.npr.org/2019/04/16/713798991/rich-karlgaards-new-book-explores-what-it-means-to-be-a-late-bloomer
- Everything Is Figureoutable, by Marie Forleo: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/567276/everything-is-figureoutable-by-marie-forleo/
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You’re welcome to join me anytime for The Evolving 40. On the daily theme, think: “How have I evolved? How am I evolving?”
Post in the comments below or on your own social with the hashtag #evolving40. Whatever comes up is what’s meant to be.
