Day 35: Regret
#Evolving40 Day 35: Regret
Remember “Choose Your Own Adventure” books? I LOVED them as a kid, but whenever I came to a decision point, I’d anxiously mark the page with my thumb that said something like, “If you surrender to the aliens, turn to page 42”; “If you fight, turn to page 43.” If the fight ended in my untimely demise, I’d feel a pang of regret before immediately flipping back to make the better choice.
Decisions would be so much easier if life were like that, wouldn't they? The stakes wouldn’t feel so high, because if things didn’t work out the way we wanted, we could just rewind and try again. As this is NOT the way it works in real life, making decisions can turn my stomach in knots, and I often feel painful and lasting regret when I wish I’d made a different choice.
I’ve spent many anxious hours worried about the things I’ve said and done, or the things I didn’t say or do. This often happens in the middle of the night when I can’t get back to sleep or do anything to improve the situation. Missed opportunities and chances I didn’t take are the worst, because I’ll never know what would have happened if I’d been brave enough to do the thing in question.
When I was starting Reschool Yourself, for example, I drafted a press release about the project and was on the verge of emailing it to several major news outlets. My inner critic kicked in then: “Who do you think you are? Why would they care about you? And what if they do feature you? You’d have to give live interviews and would probably sound so dumb.”
Suddenly terrified, I closed my laptop and never sent the release. More than a decade later, I still wonder what could have happened if I’d just hit send. Maybe a news story would have led to a book deal, or at least opened some kind of door to doing the kind of work that Glennon Doyle and Gretchen Rubin do. It was a “Choose Your Own Adventure” (or “Sliding Doors”) moment. Who knows?
I can understand when people say they have no regrets, because each past decision has brought them to this moment. But I think that it’s possible to feel regret for moments like this -- and for many other times I acted out of fear, anger, or selfishness -- without actually choosing to go back and do things differently if I could. I love so many things about my life now that I wouldn't risk veering off in a direction where I didn't create my family or meet some of the dearest people in my life.
The following thoughts help me let go of regret and look forward instead of backward:
1) I believe that we are all doing the best we can with what we have at the time (per the Eckhart Tolle quote below), so we need to be kind to ourselves. As Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Self-compassion and self-forgiveness allow us to channel my energy toward the future instead of getting stuck in a shame spiral.
2) There are many paths to the same destination. It’s not too late for me to follow my calling; we all find our way in our own time. The research and examples in Rich Karlgaard’s book “Late Bloomers” are very encouraging about this, and as poet Adelaide Anne Procter wrote, “We always may be what we might have been.” All of my experiences, even the ones that seemed like detours, contribute to what I’ll do in the future.
3) As the Chinese proverb goes, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” Everything is clear in retrospect. It’s not fair to hold nearly-40-year-old Melia to the same standard as 28-year-old Melia, because she didn’t have the same kind of life experience and knowledge that I do today. And, if the fates allow, I still plenty of time to bloom.
Although regrets from the recent and distant past may haunt me, I’m learning to let them go. I’m strengthening the conviction to release my thumb from between the pages of the Choose Your Own Adventure book and make the decision I think is best at the time. Even if things don’t work out the way I’d hoped, they may turn out even better -- and if not, I can always change direction.
* How I’ve evolved: Recognizing that I can have regrets but grow from them and move on.
* How I’m evolving: Learning to be as kind and compassionate to myself as I would a friend who is feeling regretful, and to shift my time perspective toward the future instead of the past.
Links:
- Late Bloomers: The Power of Patience in a World Obsessed with Early Achievement, by Rich Karlgaard: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/553664/late-bloomers-by-rich-karlgaard/
- The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle: https://www.eckharttolle.com/power-of-now-excerpt/
- How to Grow from Your Regrets, Greater Good Institute: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_grow_from_your_regrets
- The Importance of Our Time Persepctive, by Rosemary K.M. Sword and Dr. Philip Zimbardo https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-time-cure/201607/the-importance-our-time-perspective
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You’re welcome to join me anytime for The Evolving 40. On the daily theme, think: “How have I evolved? How am I evolving?”
Post in the comments below or on your own social with the hashtag #evolving40. Whatever comes up is what’s meant to be.
