Day 30: Calm
#Evolving40 Day 30: Calm
Darren and I once fostered a dog named Tinsley who was incredibly sweet and goofy, but also high strung. He would sit on the couch cuddling with us and calmly licking our hands, but as soon as a new stimulus emerged -- a knock on the door, for example -- he would jump and paw and squeal-bark out of control, as if he were a completely different dog.
Some of us are born like Tinsley, with nervous systems wired for sensitivity. When stressed or overstimulated, our rational minds are consumed by anxiety, and we can start spiraling. As our loved ones may have learned the hard way, telling us to “calm down,” “lighten up,” or “relax” when we're worked up will have precisely the opposite effect.
Lately I’ve been learning more about the genetic trait of high sensitivity, thanks to an interview with April Snow of Expansive Heart Psychotherapy that Gill and I recorded for an upcoming episode of Semi-Together. Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) have this variation, which “allows the nervous system and brain to process subtleties and details that most miss.” HSPs feel deeply and intensely, are easily overwhelmed by inputs, and need time to pause and reflect before engaging. All of this can lead to feeling alone and misunderstood, in spite of the gifts of this trait, such as empathy, intuition, and imagination.
HSPs like myself (and those who commented on yesterday’s Healing post) can find calm among the storm of inner and outer inputs in a number of ways. By knowing what we need to thrive, we can schedule ourselves kindly when possible: not too many high-energy commitments back to back, and ample quiet down time each day. Grounding practices like yoga and meditation train us to breathe and let intrusive thoughts pass. Even little adjustments, like quieting the noise in your car when you’re trying to merge onto the freeway -- which is easier when it’s just the radio, difficult when you have young kids! -- contributes to calm.
Learning to practice the pause has helped me find calm when I’m amped. In my wiser moments, I can catch myself as I’m escalating to anger or frustration and notice, pause, and breathe. In even a second of space between the stimulus (e.g. my child throwing a tantrum) and my response, I can choose how I respond. Instead of flying off the handle, which I have many times, I can leave the room, close my eyes, count to three, whatever helps me deescalate.
I’m grateful to have amassed a toolbox of calming practices over the years. Here are some of my favorites:
- A three-breath pause before I transition between activities.
- A forward bend with a whooshing breath outward triggers the parasympathetic nervous system to calm the body, decreasing respiration and heart rate. A 4-7-8 breath (in for 4 seconds, hold for 7, out for a whooshing 8) does, too.
- The Calm app, for a 10-minute morning meditation and sleep stories that are indispensable for soothing my busy mind. For me, the paid version is worth every penny.
- Going outside and looking up at the trees for one minute is a research-backed practice for inspiring awe.
- Each episode of the Happiness Spells podcast is a five-minute list of little joys in life, read in a gentle voice and inspiring gratitude.
I'd love to hear your own calming practices, if you’d like to share.
* How I’ve evolved: Noticing more often when my anxiety and stress is escalating, practicing the pause, and de-escalating (I am far from perfect at this, but getting better over time!).
* How I’m evolving: Better understanding how to thrive as a highly sensitive person and appreciating my strengths.
Links:
The Highly Sensitive Person, by Dr. Elaine Aron: https://hsperson.com
Am I a Highly Sensitive Person?, Expansive Heart: https://www.expansiveheart.com/hsp
Awe walk practice, Greater Good Institute: https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/awe_walk
Calm app: https://www.calm.com
Happiness Spells podcast: https://www.happinessspells.com
Practice the Pause, Semi-Together: https://semitogether.com/podcast/practice-the-pause
Mindfulness in Tough Times, with Mindful Therapy- Dr. Megan Clapton, Semi-Together: https://semitogether.com/podcast/mindfulness-in-tough-times-with-dr-megan-clapton
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You’re welcome to join me anytime for The Evolving 40. On the daily theme, think: “How have I evolved? How am I evolving?”
Post in the comments below or on your own social with the hashtag #evolving40. Whatever comes up is what’s meant to be.
