Day 28: Mistakes
#Evolving40 Day 28: Mistakes
If there’s one thing I’d like my kids to internalize early that I’m still learning today, it’s that mistakes are an essential part of learning. Not that my own parents didn’t try; they were kind about my mess-ups and raised me on the charming Big Bird song on Sesame Street, “Everyone makes mistakes, so why not you?”
Still, I was wired for perfectionism and didn’t like to do things I wasn’t good at from the start. I didn’t want to play sports because I was afraid I’d mess up and let the team down. Only later in life did I realize that it would have been SO CHARACTER-BUILDING for me to observe that even the best players screw up sometimes. The team hugs them anyway, and there’s always another game.
Fear of making mistakes has squandered a lot of my time on overthinking, procrastination, and inaction. Just today, I was shopping online for new flip-flops for Avery and read a dozen product reviews, worrying, “What if they aren’t comfortable? What if she doesn’t like the style?” Eventually, I just picked one, realizing that $5 at Target was really not a big deal, and we could always exchange the shoes if they weren’t quite right. (Related: For contented living, be a satisficer, not a maximizer; see below).
At least I’ve become more conscious about how long it takes me to complete tasks because I want them to be absolutely perfect. I’ve been nudging myself not to take so long with these Evolving 40 posts, for example, omitting at least a few thoughts and giving them a single proofread. The other day I left a typo in an Instagram story to show myself that a mistake would not bring immediate ruin upon me. If people noticed, they didn’t care. (Granted, I couldn't resist a "for the record" post so THEY knew that I knew, but still. )
Two of the most helpful ways to respond to mistakes -- and to most other challenges, as well -- are with compassion and curiosity. It’s easier to offer these to someone other than ourselves, so we can practice with our loved ones. Imagine that your friend bombs an important presentation.
“I’m sorry, that’s so rough,” you might say with compassion. Then, with curiosity, “What happened?” You validate the pain of messing up and get curious about what’s going on; perhaps she didn’t prepare well or got nervous speaking in public. This is helpful information -- these are problems that can be learned from and addressed.
Other ways to cope with mistakes are the words “yet” (“You just haven’t mastered the art of the PowerPoint YET”), and “next time” (“Next time, maybe you could do a test run with your team?”). Then the mistake opens a door instead of slamming one shut; it nudges you to keep growing instead of sending you into a shame spiral that ends with the words “never again.”
The truth is that none of us comes equipped with skills and knowledge about what to do in situations that are new to us. We don’t berate babies for falling down as they learn to walk or mispronouncing words as they learn to talk, so why are some of us so hard on ourselves for not getting things right the first time? It’s through trial and error that we learn: what to say to someone who’s grieving, for example, and what makes for an effective apology. I’ve royally screwed up both of those, which make for painful but memorable lessons.
I can’t say that I EMBRACE messing up, or that I ever will, but I’m learning to grow from it more gracefully. We are human, so we will make mistakes as long as we are alive. We will stumble, we’ll fall, and if we choose to be brave, we’ll get up and try again.
* How I’ve evolved: Seeing mistakes as a normal part of the learning process, not a reflection of my competence or intelligence. Trying to extract what I can learn for next time.
* How I’m evolving: Forgiving myself for doing the best I could under the circumstances, because I didn’t know then what I know now. Intentionally modeling humility and self-compassion for the kids when I make mistakes instead of chastising myself: “Ah, I hadn’t remembered that right!” or “Argh, I broke a glass. That’s really frustrating. Let me clean it up.”
Links:
Sesame Street: Big Bird Sings About Mistakes: https://youtu.be/GHkymY6yKMg
Sesame Street: Janelle Monae - The Power of Yet: https://youtu.be/XLeUvZvuvAs
The Power of ‘Good Enough’: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/03/the-power-of-good-enough/387388/
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You’re welcome to join me anytime for The Evolving 40. On the daily theme, think: “How have I evolved? How am I evolving?”
Post in the comments below or on your own social with the hashtag #evolving40. Whatever comes up is what’s meant to be.
