Day 22: Authenticity
#evolving40 Day 22: #Authenticity
The epigraph to Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love is “Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth.” This was a dear friend’s advice to her in the midst of an existential crisis, when she didn’t know what to do.
I think of these words often, because authenticity is one of the qualities I most admire. I love when people can be fully and unabashedly themselves, no matter the circumstance. Because they have strong boundaries, you don’t have to worry about whether they’re upset with you, or that they’ll agree to do something they don’t actually want to. They’ll always tell you the truth.
I've learned to be less people-pleasing and more truthful through my writing. Writing gives me the space to figure out what I really think, to shine a light into the corners of my mind, even the darkest ones. It’s been liberating to write the Evolving 40, because as I approach this milestone birthday, I feel like I have nothing to hide. I’m not afraid of being found out as a phony or an impostor, because I wouldn’t even begin to pretend to have everything figured out.
I used to feel like I couldn’t be so publicly authentic. I thought people would think I was unstable or incompetent; I felt like I wouldn’t be respected if I showed any vulnerability or emotion. So I dressed to impress, pasted a smile on my face, and acted like I had all the answers all the time. It’s exhausting and dehumanizing to put up that kind of front, to act out of alignment with who you really are.
Sometimes we’re trained to pretend by the cultures we’re a part of -- Southern mamas who won’t let you leave the house without lipstick and curled hair, bosses who expect decorum and professionalism at all times, and classrooms where not having the answers means failure. Sometimes the pretending comes from our own fears that if people knew who we really were, they wouldn’t like us as much.
The truth is that you will find the people who are meant for you when you drop the act. It’s such a gift to be able to know someone’s authentic self, warts and all, the vulnerabilities and quirks and petty grudges. As Glennon Doyle says, “You will be too much for some people. Those aren’t your people.”
I feel privileged now to be self-employed and not have to pretend anymore. In quarantine, I’ve worn shorts and t-shirts every day and have stopped caring who sees me with glasses and no makeup. I hope that on more traditional work teams, too, people are able to be more openly and fully human in all aspects, especially during this intensely emotional time for all of us.
As I learn to appreciate and accept myself more, it’s becoming easier to relax into who I really am and be authentic with people from the start. When I’m able to do that, it gives other people permission to be themselves with me, too.
* How I’ve evolved: Sharing what I want to share, without fear of judgment or rejection. Knowing which people are my people, who value me for all that I am.
* How I’m evolving: Using my real voice instead of my “phone voice” with clients and not trying so hard to have the answers, so I can truly listen to their questions. Learning to let “Fun Melia” (Darren’s nickname for me after a few glasses of wine) come out more often when I’m sober -- silly, smiley, fond of singing and dancing, not taking life so seriously.
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If you’d like to join me for The Evolving 40:
- All are welcome. Jump in at any time.
- On the daily theme, think: “How have I evolved? How am I evolving?”
- Length and format are up to you.
- Post in the comments below or on your own social with the hashtag #evolving40.
- Whatever comes up is what’s meant to be.
